


Give Yourself This Moment

by JacobsHunter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Caduceus Clay Needs a Hug, Caduceus Clay-centric, Critical Role Spoilers, Good Friend Yasha (Critical Role), Heavy Angst, I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE, Other, Survivor Guilt, The Author Regrets Nothing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27050506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacobsHunter/pseuds/JacobsHunter
Summary: Caduceus stared at the water as the Misteak sailed, silently berating himself. He had promised you, when you came on this adventure with him, that you would be safe. Yet here he stood, alone, with only the words he never got to say, and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	Give Yourself This Moment

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this. I love Caduceus, I really do, but my specialty is angst. Hopefully, this won't be the only fic I write for him! Enjoy, and grab the tissues.

He should have never let you out of his sight.

Caduceus stared at the water as the Misteak sailed, silently berating himself. He had promised you, when you came on this adventure with him, that you would be safe. Yet here he stood, alone, with only the words he never got to say, and the overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure.

“Hey.” He turned, recognizing Yasha’s soft voice. “You okay?”

“Not really,” he sighed, turning his eyes back to the dark waters. “I keep thinking about everything I could have done differently.” A gentle hand touched his arm, but he didn’t dare look at her. He was a terrible liar, he knew that. But he didn’t want her to think him weak.

“You’re thinking about (Y/N), aren’t you,” she questioned. So much for lying. He gave a short nod. “Caduceus, there’s nothing you could have done. Not without getting yourself killed in the process.”

“I know,” he admitted. “But there was so much I should have told them. So many chances to tell them, and I kept putting it off. Now they’re gone, and I’ll never get those chances back.” Silence, which he was more than grateful for. But he also feared what she was thinking.

“You loved them,” she murmured. “We all could see it. Did you not tell them?” He shook his head, pink hair fluttering in the wind. “I’m sorry. That you lost them. I know how it feels, to an extent.”

“Your wife died knowing you loved her,” he responded. “(Y/N) died not knowing how important they were to me. How important they always will be. I can’t even give them a proper burial. I can’t get their body and take them home. They’ll decay in that chamber. All because I didn’t drag them with me out of there. If I had just grabbed their hand-”

“You couldn’t have known what would happen. None of us did. You can’t beat yourself up for something you couldn’t have predicted.” He didn’t say anything, closing his eyes instead. “Give yourself this moment to grieve. Don’t let it destroy you from the inside.”

His hands trembled for a moment before he caved, the force of his sorrow bringing him to his knees. He’d never see your smile or hear your laugh. Your voice would never grace his ears again. So many things he had taken for granted were now only memories. What he wouldn’t give to turn back time and confess everything to you, even if it meant still having to keep living without you.  
When the hurt finally cleared, he was faintly aware of Yasha holding him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, only to be met with her arms tightening slightly.

“Don’t be,” she soothed. “I had to grieve alone. I didn’t want you to have to as well. This is what friends are for. You ever need to talk or vent or get your emotions out, you’ve got me and Jester. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Caduceus.”

He figured she was right. It still hurt, and he wasn’t sure if it would always hurt or if the pain would eventually fade. But the idea of being alone was terrifying, and if anyone knew how he felt, it was the Aasimar. They had that much in common.

As he stood to his feet moments later, with Yasha’s help, he could swear he heard your laugh in the wind.


End file.
